


Dan, How Can You Not Know?

by 23rdKin



Category: Phandom
Genre: Drama, I Tried, M/M, secret, surprise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 17:54:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8543215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/23rdKin/pseuds/23rdKin
Summary: Dan is drunk and looking for Phil





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so I apologize.  
> I wrote a fanfic not because I can write but purely because I'm a fan.  
> I'm a fanfic virgin. Be honest, but please be gentle.

Dan tripped on a bottle and stumbled into the narrow hallway leading to his and Phil’s bedrooms. He hit the wall and slid against it, the unnecessary zippers in his shirt scratching the surface. Tick, tock, tick. “Shit,” Dan cursed as his brain registered what just happened. _Christ, is that gonna leave another mark?_ He sighed, then tried to stand, pathetically wobbling while doing so. 

Yep, Dan is drunk.

Moments ago, he was in the lounge, gathered with everyone, turning every game available into a drinking game. They were thinking about somehow playing Twister when Dan felt the urge to see how Phil was doing. He scanned the room- pillows, beer bottles, glasses, board games, clothing, decorative materials flung everywhere- and found that his best friend wasn’t there. He thought back and remembered defeating Phil in Mario Kart for the nth time and Phil excusing himself after drinking another set of punishment shots of vodka. _Oh, Phil._ Dan thought it was really adorable then, but now there’s as much pang of guilt in his chest as his drunk self can manage as he realized that Phil has not come back yet. It was kind of his role to be mindful of his friend’s drinking limit, aside from the person himself. Usually, Phil can easily manage but Dan figured today was different. That’s when he decided to leave the room and go on a noble quest of redemption to find his missing friend, or at least that’s how his muddled head dramatized it. _The whole house is the world map and-_ Dan stopped the train of thought right there as the conflicting emotion of disgust for the lame role play bubbled up over the elation from being fuzzy. He took a step out of the lounge, not noticing the bottle he was about to trip on.

000

Dan felt it reasonable to check the bathroom first. But with his current state, he figured he’d rather not take on the stairs if he didn’t have to. He took a few steps towards the kitchen, one hand leaning against the wall for support. _When did I agree this was a good idea? Oh, right._

000

He was talking with Phil and Louise outside a newly opened restaurant after having a disappointingly mediocre dinner. It was Dan who found the place and they have been on a hype about trying it for weeks. Dan thought it was a shame. When he sneaked a glance at Phil, he saw what he was quite expecting - a genuinely sad face. Anyone can guess who was the most excited about it. That got the younger man thinking about how trivial it was. _Oh well. It is Phil. A dork as easily cheered up by trivial things as he is saddened by them. _Dan admitted to himself that that’s pretty much the root of the constant bursts of adoration and annoyance he gives Phil, which make up a huge section of what their years of friendship was built on. He was about to pat Phil’s shoulder and tell him to let it go, already considering doing some little kind gestures for lifting Phil’s mood, when Louise made her suggestion. She felt like their anticipation for the night would be wasted if they didn’t do anything more so she proposed that they invite some friends, whoever are free, over at Phil and Dan’s apartment to hangout.__

“That’s overdoing it, Louise,” Dan said. “Is anyone even going to say yes to a sudden invitation at around this time?” 

“I already have some people in mind, actually,” Louise replied confidently as she got her phone from her bag, taking a bit of time to look at Phil while doing so before putting her full attention to the phone. Phil’s eyes narrowed in confusion, widened in realization, and then looked to the side within the span of two seconds. 

Dan didn’t notice anything. “But our place…?” he asked, still not too keen on the idea. 

“I know, this is me imposing a bit. I’ve just been quite tired and I haven’t had a night out in a long time and, I guess you can consider this as me using the ‘tab’ you gave me for that one time,” Louise replied, a little less cheery than a few seconds ago. Brightening up again, she added, “Unless you and Phil have things there right now that you don’t want us to see…” 

“Ah, Louise. Don’t even go there,” Dan said smiling like he does when he finds humor in something ridiculous. 

“Phil?” Louise tried. 

“Well, yeah, I’m ok with it. I mean, Dan and I don’t really have anything planned for tonight,” Phil said. Then, he turned to Dan as if he’s asking for permission as well. Phil’s reply wasn’t quite what Dan expected as he knows that Phil isn’t too fond of hanging out with other people unless it was something they planned. 

“Fine. We do owe you big for that one time,” Dan finally relented. However, he couldn’t help but cringe at the memory Louise brought up. “Uggghhh. Seriously Phil, what were we even thinking getting drunk out of our wits in a bar? In a bar! All those socially capable people judging our awkward arses.” 

On the way home, Dan over with his cringe attack, he and Phil thought they might as well call up other people. 

000 

Dan leaned on the glass door as he opened it. “Hey, Cynth,” he greeted the girl sat on their kitchen floor, focused on her laptop. She was Phil’s schoolmate who became a close friend to him and Dan after Phil bumped into her while doing some grocery shopping, two years after he graduated. She was a secret PJ fan. 

“Haf y’seen hil?” Dan tried asking as Cynth looked up. 

She scrunched her eyebrows. 

“Phhh-il?” he tried again, struggling to properly get his words out. 

_Fuck me. Speaking is starting to feel like going up a freaking hill._

Cynth made a soundless oh before slowly averting her eyes, seemingly considering something. She can be quite calculating and Dan sometimes has to wonder what she means. Still, she gets Dan and Phil and that just gave way to friendship. 

“I did notice him tumbling about,” Cynth answered. Then she looked straight at Dan and added, “Why don’t you check the bathroom?” 

Somehow, Dan expected her to say more because she really adored Phil. When it seemed that that would be it, though, he just thanked her and slid back to the hallway. With his back to the wall, he mulled over just going to the bathroom or checking the bedrooms first. What he saw when he turned his head made his decision easier. Phil’s door was ajar. Dan walked towards it, not letting go of the wall. 

000 

He’s found Phil. Spotted him through the gap of the door. He was about to obnoxiously call the man, who looked more frustrated than drunk, when he saw a hand grab Phil’s shoulder. Immediately, it was followed by a forceful kiss. Dan could only grip the cold metal knob in his hand. The person caressing Phil’s cheek and tenderly kissing him was a man. More than that though, the man’s identity itself surprised him. Suddenly, the guy who was just struggling to cross the short narrow hallway earlier wasn’t as drunk anymore. 

_Or am I? Am I hallucinating? Unconsciously dreaming?_

Dan remained frozen on his spot, staring. He knew his morals should’ve already had him look away, but he hasn’t. He’s still physically drunk and still felt unstable standing, but he hasn’t tried to do anything else. Other than watch. The couple calmed down to a slow kiss, and Dan watched as the other guy bit and pulled on Phil’s lower lip. For a brief moment, the guy broke from the kiss and that’s when Dan saw a glimpse of it. Phil’s slightly parted lips, Phil’s half-lidded watery eyes. Phil had the most sensual expression on his face. Immediately, Dan’s head pulled out all the awkward times Phil had attempted to make a seductive expression and utterly failed. Dan would’ve laughed if he can get over his confusion, but the image of Phil’s face has uncomfortably stuck to his head. As he willed himself to erase it, the couple dropped on the bed. That’s when Dan finally snapped out of it, let go of the knob already warm in his hand, and backed away from the door. He dropped himself on the floor and just sat there. 

_This is so surreal._

As he tried to make sense of things, he heard a sweet moan. Dan would have hit himself for using those words but the clichéd phrase was what it was. And it came from Phil. Among other things, it disturbed him that he knew. He just did. Neither does he like the fact that he thinks it’s going to give Toxic days Brittney Spears a run for her money. 

_Fuck you, Phil._

All those speculations about his sexuality and all this time they were pointing at the wrong person! Dan does not condemn shipping. He’s not a prick. Somehow, he can set his mind to see it as a culture that spins creativity. When people kept directing questions about his sexuality towards him though, the suppressed voice behind his head saying, “Back-off,” inevitably starts thumping. This has lead to a few occasions where he drops random things about “his sexuality” just to taunt people. 

_Admit it though, you kind of brought it to yourselves. Look back at, say, some of the earliest DanandPhil’s creative choices._

Dan made himself cringe, but then he also smiled a little to himself. 

_Still, the mere act of making videos together then had given me happiness. No one can tell me otherwise._

He wasn’t really a crazy huge fan of Phil. Not exclusively at least. But hanging out with him turned out to be pretty “cool”, as his younger self would’ve thought it. _I found a dork I can be my dork self with – and for years, not even once have I gotten a clue that he’s anything other than straight._ Of course, Dan has no issue about his friend liking guys. What he has an issue with though, is not knowing. Calling himself Phil’s best friend, even living with the guy, and then not knowing such an essential information about said guy is really degrading his self-worth as a friend. _And Phil, has he never really needed me that he never found the occasion to mention it to me?_ The image of the man Phil was kissing flashed back in Dan’s head. _And him? Phil! What are you getting yourself into?! _He replayed all he can remember of the night’s events. Dan’s thought went to a halt. He struggled to lift himself and then walked towards the kitchen. Cynth was still sitting in the middle of it, watching a movie. He plopped beside her.__

“Was he puking his guts out in the bathroom?” Cynth asked him without taking her eyes off her laptop’s screen, the movie’s audio just playing in the background. 

_//This is the door._  
Yeah, it is.  
What time you got?// 

“I went straight for the bedroom,” Dan plainly responded, his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. For a second, Cynth averted his eyes from her laptop, and then went back to it.  
_//7:22 in the am//_

“So you saw.” 

_//No, it ain't quite time yet.//_

“You knew.” 

_//Come on. Let's hang back.//_

Cynth kept silent. 

_//Look, just because I don't be givin' no man a foot massage don't make it right for Marsellus to throw…//_

“That guy has a lover for chrissakes.” 

_//… Antoine off into a glass motherfuckin' house, fuckin' up the way the nigger talks. That shit ain’t right. //_

“It is a mess. But is that the only thing that bothers you?” 

_//Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass, 'cause I'll kill the motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?//_

“You know I’m not one to conclude about someone other than who they fuck based on their sexuality.” 

_//I ain’t sayin’ it’s right…//_

“Oh, I know.” 

Dan just dropped it. All the turmoil in his stomach, in his head, in his heart, surely, it’s all just the alcohol. 

_//…but you sayin' a massage don't mean nothin'. I'm sayin' it does. Now, look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant somethin'. We act like they don't, but they do. That's what's so fuckin' cool about them. There's a sensuous thing goin' on... where you don't talk about it, but you know it and she knows it. Fuckin' Marsellus knew it. And Antoine should've fuckin' better known better. That's his fuckin' wife, man. This ain't a man with a sense of humor about this shit. You know what I'm sayin'?//_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just plain, old, but weirdly paced dialogue. It's short but this is the product of my desire to procrastinate on school work.

There’s only so much Dan’s bladder can take before he had to stop ignoring it and start bee-lining for the bathroom. So, when the smell of freshly cooked pancakes assaulted him after finally getting up from bed and sluggishly opening the door to the hallway, he can only assume that Phil has been cooking. Not surprisingly, he found Phil in the lounge after walking back from the bathroom. Although only a few things littered the hallway, the room was a mess. In the middle of it, Phil sat in front of a tower of pancakes on the coffee table, eating some himself on the couch with his legs up and crossed. Red shirt, pajamas, and all. The man sighed, then giggled to himself. _Hm, what was that about?_ Dan kicked the bottle beside his feet, then went and plopped himself on the couch beside Phil.  
  
“Oh, hey Dan.” Phil greeted him with a smile - creased, but juvenile.  
  
Dan scrunched his eyebrows. “Huh. What have you been giggling to yourself about?”  
  
“Oh,” Phil paused. Then he looked at Dan and with a slight laugh said, “Uh, well, I caught a glimpse of you through the door, rushing through the hallway.”  
  
Dan felt like something was off and then it hit him how there always had been. _And I just figured out what exactly it was last night._ He tried to school his expression to hide his frustration so he threw a banter back at Phil. “Right, Phil, like that was less graceful than any of your clumsy accidents.”  
  
“Hey!” Phil slapped his shoulder. It was a little too hard for a calculated friendly slap. The older man seemed genuinely happy. Dan wanted to clarify things once and for all but he couldn’t figure out how. He turned the attention to the sweet-smelling tower on the table. “Any explanation you want to give me about the unusually high stack of pancakes in front of us?”  
  
“Oh. I was craving them but then I ended up making too much.” Phil said casually. He shoved a syrupy bite-sized piece in his mouth. It was a passing image of a child in a candy shop.  
  
“Uhuh…” Dan didn’t push further.  
  
“Why don’t you grab yourself a fork and a plate from the kitchen.”  
  
“That, I will.”  
  
The kitchen was just another version of a mess. _Seems like Cynth wasn’t able to defend it all the way through._ Dan immediately grabbed the stuff he needed from the kitchen but he was missing the syrup.  
  
“Phiiilll, where’s the syrup?!” He shouted across from the kitchen.  
  
“I have it!”  
  
Dan walked back to the lounge. “You couldn’t have told me before I wasted some precious energy looking for it back there?” He asked as he dropped back down to the couch.  
  
“Well I thought you noticed. It was right there.” Phil pointed at the coffee table which was still littered by some of the previous night’s remnants.  
  
Dan’s eyes scanned through dirty dishes and empty bottles and cans among other things. Then it just hit him. Everything felt out of place. They just had their usual banter and it just came out naturally. _It is a normal day. This is a happy Phil._ But the Dan now has memories of last night’s events. _I have to do this now._  
  
“Right. So…” Dan stacked some pancakes on his plate, grabbed the syrup and mindlessly drowned the stuff with it.  
  
“So.” He cut himself a huge bite and put it in his mouth. He chewed carefully, and although the stuff could have been sweetly orgasmic on any normal day, it felt like sand as Dan swallowed it.  
  
“Where’s the-”  
  
“So you’re gay.” They spoke at the same time, but those three words made Phil freeze. Dan gave him a side glance as he stabbed at the food on his plate. As the situation quickly plunged into an awkward, tense atmosphere, Dan contemplated whether he should’ve thought things through first; how he should confront Phil and what would be the right things to say. However, he also felt that he’d been in the dark for far too long that he just urgently needs an explanation. After minutes of silence, Phil finally put down his plate and turned towards Dan.  
  
“What made you think that?”  
  
“You’re not getting out of this Phil. I saw you last night. I saw you get kissed by a man and I saw you get pushed down to bed by a man.” As he said those words, Dan watched as the other man’s effort on being calm slowly crumbled into what he interpreted as guilt and nerves.  
  
“I, uhm, I could be bisexual or even pans-”  
  
“Oh for Christ’s sake Phil! That’s not the point!” _You know that._ One thing Dan finds endearing about their friendship is how much each of them can tell about the other’s thoughts by their expressions, words, and mannerisms. _Ah, but this whole situation is just mocking that, isn’t it?_  
  
“What?! It’s not like it’s our habit to keep track of each other’s romantic relationships now, is it?” Phil refused to look at Dan.  
  
“I’m not asking for a narration of your relationships. I’m just saying you should’ve told me. You know my stand on this. But, no matter how much we talk about gender equality and how much we may find that the most basic of morals tell us we should have it, people would still find it outside of their normative bubbles, wouldn’t they? Something like this, it’s worth telling the friend you live and make videos with Phil.”  
  
“I- I’m sorry.” Phil looked like he’s been slapped in the face.  
  
“I need more than that.”  
  
Phil bit his lip, contemplating what to say. Finally, he spoke. “Ok, look Dan. I really wanted to tell you a lot of times but I wanted it to be as casual as possible. You’re right, I know your stand on this and I shouldn’t have been bothered. But this involves you, yourself, and circumstances where I can’t just ideally believe that telling you won’t change anything.”  
  
“Hah. Basically, you didn’t trust me.” Dan felt cheated.  
  
“No. Dan, stop. See, the shipping, we’re already used to the idea of that. We try to laugh it off.” Dan’s expression showed leery surprise at what Phil just brought up. “But you’re still wary. You refuse contact to a certain extent, although any normal person would just find it friendly, unless you initiate them. It’s like you’re getting caught off guard.”  
  
“Stop trying to psychoanalyze me!”  
  
“I’m not! It’s just that I’ve thought of it a lot trying to figure out how I should tell you. What if you knowing I’m like this will just make you more uneasy that people will find out and cause disorder among our audience and be extremely invasive all over again? What if you get too wary that they will associate my- this- my sexuality with you even though they shouldn’t?”  
  
“Well, not telling me just made it harder to deal with. Now I have to cope with changing my perspective on all those times I’m not sure what was going on with you. Or those times I thought I knew even.” The truth is that Dan wasn’t entirely unfazed by what Phil said. If he’s going to be honest, his friend hit some targets there. But he wanted Phil to know how wronged he felt. “I tried to respect your privacy Phil, but I really deserved to know this.”  
  
Phil took a moment to just look at Dan. Watching him mindlessly stab at the pancakes on his plate, Phil figured that there’s no settling the issue for now. “Ok. Just this for now then Dan. I know I made a mistake and I’m really sorry.”  
  
Dan was about to reply when he heard an unfamiliar ringtone. He looked at the table and saw that it was coming from Phil’s phone.  
  
_~I want to break free!~_  
  
Dan looked at Phil. His brows were scrunched. _Clueless as well it seems._ He just stared dumbly at the phone.  
  
_~I want to break free!_  
_I want to break free from-~_  
  
“What is this?!” Phil finally grabbed his phone. Dan caught a glimpse of who was calling.  
  
_~-your lies, you’re so self-satisfied-~_  
  
Phil immediately turned to Dan and then back at the phone after reading the caller ID.  
  
_~I don’t nee-~_  
  
He cancelled the call. They stared at each other, Phil’s hand gripping the phone and Dan’s holding the fork stuck mid-stabbing his abused pancakes. The phone rang again and Phil cancelled again.  
  
“Just answer it Phil.”  
  
“Bu-”  
  
“I need to fix my thoughts.” Dan didn’t wait for Phil’s response. He put down his unfinished plate and walked out of the lounge. As he walked into his room, the phone rang again.  
  
_~I want to break free!~_  
  
He can hear it faintly in his room as he changed his clothes.  
  
_~I want to break free!_  
_I want to break free from the-~_  
  
_Seems like Phil’s finally decided to answer._  
  
As he passed by the lounge, he caught a glimpse of Phil talking into the phone. He continued down the stairs. Upon reaching the front door, Dan paused. And then, he laughed. In reality, it was half a sneer. _Of course he’d be the one calling. Fucking ***. Well, Phil. Isn’t your lover’s timing just great?_ He shook his head, then continued to walk out the door, not quite sure yet where to go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** = the name of Phil's youtuber "lover"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irregular mood change.  
> Feels like I "waffled" my way into presenting a 3rd chapter (but it was honestly kind of calming. Therapeutic?)  
> Sorry for forcing in songs+a movie every time.

For a few seconds, Phil sat alone again in silence. He woke up quite chipper but now he’s dumbfounded. Suddenly, he was cut out of his daze by the same ringtone that interrupted his and Dan’s conversation. As he contemplated whether to answer or not, he heard Dan shut his bedroom door close. He grabbed the phone.  
  
“Uhm, hello?” Phil, a little hunched, held the phone tightly in his hand as he answered.  
  
“Ah! Hey Phil! I kept calling. I’m sorry. Were you still sleeping?” the man at the other end sounded pleased to have finally come through.  
  
“No, I’ve been up for quite a while.”  
  
“Oh. Well I just woke up a few moments ago and… I remembered something I thought I should tell you.”  
  
Something clicked in Phil’s head. “Uhhh, is it the ringtone. Was it you?”  
  
There was a short silence.  
  
“Oh, yeah. I must have drunkenly done that. I think I figured I’ll wake you up with a call and that’ll be the first thing you hear. Hah, it just sounds really random now.” It was subtle, but the endearment was apparent for Phil. “But that’s not it,” *** said, turning more serious. “I’m really sorry.”  
  
“A-about what?”  
  
“I think Dan saw us. When we were in your room, I think I saw him outside the door at one point. I was so happy and dazed and I didn’t think much of it.”  
  
Phil didn’t know what to say. He’s immediately back to dealing with the fact that Dan knows.  
  
“Phil?” There’s still the genuine worry in ***’s voice.  
  
“I guess I’ll just have to tell you this now then.” Phil sighed. “He already dropped it on me. It hasn’t been good. Now, he’s gone out.”  
  
“Wha- What do you mean ‘It hasn’t been good’? What exactly happened?”  
  
“I- We shouldn’t have kept him out of it, ***.”  
  
“I know. But it wasn’t really that simple, was it?” His voice was pained but sweet.  
  
“***.” It was like a low desperate cry, the way Phil said the name. The truth was, whatever his image is, he has always hated expressing too much and showing too much raw emotion. He never liked appearing emotionally weak. But at that moment, Phil’s just confused, not knowing how to handle the situation, and the person he currently feels the closest to is the man on the other side of the phone. Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? Dan’s just walked out on him and his family doesn’t really know anything.  
  
“Do you want me to come over?”  
  
“Are you sure? What about-?”  
  
“Out with… friends. I don’t really have any plans.”  
  
“What if Dan comes back?”  
  
*** thought about it for a bit. Then, “Well, you were the one that said it. We shouldn’t have kept him out of it. But we did, so the next best thing we can do now is explain everything. That is, if he’ll hear us out.”  
  
“Okay. I’m sorry. Ahhh, I didn’t expect you to be very present- uhm, supportive. I’m sorry, I don’t know. But, I’m actually really grateful.”  
  
“Hey, I try to be a decent human being. And, uh, well, I…”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Nevermind. See you soon?”  
  
“Yeah.” Phil wondered a bit what *** was about to say, but immediately decided he should be hanging up. “Bye.”  
  
And so, for the third time that day, Phil was sat quietly on the couch, alone.  
  
000  
  
He lay across his bed, knees folded up together and feet apart, arms spread to his sides, and head almost off one edge. Phil had to wiggle about in his bed and somehow found that that position makes him the most at peace. He stared at the ceiling. “But I didn’t expect it to be this bad,” he said to no one. He didn’t really expect their vocal exchange. _How uncomfortable have I made him now?_  
  
Waiting made him travel through the crannies of his thoughts where not so pretty things tend to tuck themselves in.  
  
Sometimes, although he doesn’t feel good admitting it, Phil wishes to be back, just for a bit, to those times when Dan was much younger and the difference in their ages was clearer. Back then, he saw Dan as an adorable child who, despite acting bratty at times, without a doubt, couldn’t have ever withdrawn his affections for the older man. Sadly, something as simple as a failed idea of a prank happened. It took so little to swallow one whole year and turn it into a very odd time. For Phil, it was the time that brought the slow transition of their relationship into something else. One way to call it is just maturing and maybe it was bound to happen with their age even without the disturbing things that took place. So wasn’t that good then? But the thing is sometimes, times like now, Phil finds himself bothered by the feeling that somewhere along the way Dan just inevitably experienced even the tiniest element of disenchantment. Sure, they still have the same interests and they still make each other laugh. However, the possibility of Dan genuinely hating him finds him insecure.  
  
Phil couldn’t help but slap both hands over his face. He’s having very immature thoughts.  
  
_I miss you_.  
  
Phil closed his eyes.  
  
“I miss you.”  
  
“Where are you~  
And I’m so sorry~  
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight~  
I need somebody and always~  
Hmhmmhmhmhmm~  
Hmhmhmhmmhmhmhmhmhmhmm~  
  
And as I stared I counted~  
The webs from all the spiders~  
Catching things and eating their insides~  
  
Hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmm~  
Hmhmhmhmhmhmhmm~  
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight~  
Stop this pain tonight~  
  
Don’t waste-”  
  
Phil was quite into it but Queen had to suddenly cut him off.  
  
“Ehm, hey Phil. I’m, uh, close.” It was ***.  
  
“Oh. Yeah. Ok.”  
  
000  
  
It’s not as touching as the phone call anymore. In fact, it’s almost awkward. Cleaning up has failed to surface in Phil’s head leaving everything still a mess and the end result was him just inviting *** into his room. The two were sat on one edge of Phil’s bed as if they were about to film a video. Except, they’re not. There’s not much talking going on as well. The truth is that there’s not really much to their affair. They were never close and it took a drunken night for both to come to conclusion that they fancy each other enough to bring the other to bed. Each one had their own frustrations; the cliché. Except, there was no proper conversation after the first night and there hasn’t been after the others that followed. Same conditions every time – influenced by alcohol. There were only a few chances they got as they weren’t exactly buddies that they’d hang out very often. So it really did surprise Phil that the man beside him now went as far as visit his flat. Unless... well, there’s the fact that he is having an affair as well and it can get quite messy having to explain the conditions to another person. _I wonder where Dan’s gone_.  
  
“So, tell me about it. How bad was it?” *** finally broke the silence.  
  
“It got more emotional than I expected it to be.”  
  
Phil continued to narrate what happened.  
  
“In the end, he said he had to clear his thoughts and left. That was when you were calling.”  
  
“Well, wasn’t that expected though? I think it’s quite normal for him to do so.”  
  
“Yeah. But after all that he said I feel like he’s more upset than I expected him to be and now I don’t know what’s in his head and he could possibly hate me more than I have prepared for. We’re not as romanticized as our fans think but he’s still my best friend.”  
  
*** just looked at Phil as he talked while it registered in his mind how much he doesn’t really know about the man in front of him and how intimate the things he is starting to find out are. He felt invasive and there was a small scale tipping back and forth inside him deciding whether he deserved it or not. Suddenly, a bigger thought came rushing in telling him to just think as calmly as he can at the moment.  
  
“Why not give him the trust he thought you didn’t have for him for now and let him try working out the things in his head. Based on what you told me I think he’d prefer that.”  
  
“Ahhhggg! I know.” Phil said as he slapped and held both hands on his forehead. _I know, Dan’s not a teenage kid anymore_.  
  
“I think, for now, we need to think about what we should tell him. The story exactly.” After he said this, *** tried to look Phil in the eye. Phil caught it.  
  
“Ah, shi-oot. I’m sorry. I wasn’t- of course, we have to tell him about you too.”  
  
“Yeah.” He can’t really think of anything much to say but his tone was heavy as if he is holding back on saying a lot of things. Looking at Phil’s eyes though, he saw what he interpreted as guilt. As much as he’d found his current situation troubling, he tried to lighten up the mood. “And, you can curse Phil. There’s no children around,” he said, smiling.  
  
The effort came across to Phil. _I try to be a decent human being_. Phil remembered him saying. “Thank you. But, really, sorry.”  
  
“It’s hardly ideal but we both had it coming.” He lifted his hand close to Phil's face but paused, indecisive, and then reluctantly pat Phil's back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ***'s are strange to read but I feel really awkward thinking of using the name of the youtuber in my head.  
> (I'm taking this too seriously and yet not.)  
> ...  
> I swear, I'd actually talk about specific things that happened in the next chapter, I tell my self.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always had a severe case of procrastination but I'm still trying! Yay.

\- Where are you?  
  
\- Good timing. How about looking up.  
  
Dan did and saw Cynth approaching. She looked like she just got out of bed with an oversized grey hoodie, loose pants, and a messy bun. “Sassy.”  
  
Cynth just yawned in response and then sat next to Dan on the park bench. She said, “I was having a great time with my beloved bed until you called. I’m only here because you sounded so upset.”  
  
“Well, I need to vent and I’m quite sure you know why which also means you know why I currently don’t have the best friend I usually turn to so I can do exactly that now.”  
  
“Wow. Sure feels great to be a rebound,” Cynth replied flatly. Dan just rolled his eyes. “How about we clarify one thing first. What exactly makes you upset?” Dan turned to face Cynth as she said this. “A, that he’s gay; B, that he didn’t tell you; C, that he has a ‘lover’; D, that his ‘lover’ has another lover?” She laid out, doing air quotations for the _lover ___.  
  
“Woah, really?”  
  
“What, I don’t think dancing around it first will help. Or is it because the answer is supposed to be really obvious? If so, then just tell me.”  
  
“B and D then,” Dan said after once again rolling his eyes and lazily lifting both hands, palms up, in an I-don’t-know gesture.  
  
“Is that really it?” Cynth countered, turning to look at Dan in a questioning manner.  
  
“We- yeah, and just a tiny bit of C maybe.” Seeing Cynth about to knowingly react, Dan immediately continued talking. “But that just leads back to B as well. I mean it just feels worse that he’s even seeing someone and still didn’t think of letting me know. I mean, we’re youtubers, we work together. I feel like all the secrets from our personal lives are burdens that we inevitably both have to carry between us. This made me feel like there was this thing hiding behind me that I didn’t even know was there so I just feel cheated.”  
  
Cynth was looking at Dan the whole time. As he finished she tried to catch his eyes before she spoke. “The thing is, if it did get out before you found out, I think the first thing he would have done was get your name clear off it, especially knowing yours truly’s fans’ habits. Yeah, I think that’s the thing. Keeping you off it as much as possible. Because he knows your tendency to react and confront and just show your emotions.”  
  
“You really think I’d-?”  
  
“It’s a possibility. We can’t always trust our intentions to meet our actions. Basic cheesy stuff. But true. Now, based on your answers, I think the best you can do now is talk to Phil again. Ask him yourself. Did you even give the guy a chance to give a full explanation?”  
  
“Ahhh, I know. You heard it yourself how upset I was.” Dan slapped a hand to his face, feeling a little guilty.  
  
“That’s it then. Go home. See if he’s still there.”  
  
“Wait, uhm… That’s it? I was gonna invite you to coffee or something… I don’t feel like I can go home yet.”  
  
“Well, as tempting as that sounds, I have other things to do.”  
  
“You mean sleep?”  
  
Cynth just gave Dan a mysterious smile then added, “Besides it’s not as bad as I expected, it turns out.” Cynth patted Dan’s back and then started to stand up.  
  
“Rude.”  
  
“You’re welcome. Feel free to call me again when you find yourself in a worse situation. Like when you feel heartbroken.” She gave him a knowing look. And then added as she walked away, “Or something.”  
  
Dan knew there was some insinuation in those last lines but he chose not to pay it any mind. At that moment, he was quite uncertain still. He remained sat on the park bench for the following minutes, a gloomy figure that immediately blended back with the park and a cloudy sky. He did feel better though, despite not feeling totally fine quite yet. It was probably the walk and the conversation that made him look back at his previous conversation with Phil and think he could’ve reacted less severe and handled it better. This he feels he could do at the moment. _But it’s not like there’ll be magic to swoop in and make everything better by the next day as well. ___  
  
000  
  
Phil was bringing bottles and dishes to the kitchen while *** helped him pick things up from the floor when he heard footsteps slowly ascending the stairs. He and *** have finished discussing about what they were going to say. They ended up trying to clean the apartment afterwards out of, one, desperation to do something while waiting and, two, the inability to further ignore the glaring mess that surrounded them. He put down the dishes he was carrying while *** also stopped what he was doing and sat to wait in the lounge.  
  
Dan looked gloomy but a lot calmer than before as Phil spotted him upon walking out into the hallway. They awkwardly stared at each other for a few seconds before Phil spoke.  
  
“Dan, hear me out, please? We’ll explain everything we can.”  
  
“Yeah, let’s talk,” Dan said in resignation, though he refused to look at Phil. But then, he realized what his friend just said. “Wait, what do you mean we?”  
  
000  
  
_They really put work into cleaning the table, didn’t they? ___Dan sat on the armchair, his arm propped on one side as he leaned his head on it, while he inspected the coffee table as if the two men sat on the sofa in front of him were not there. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Phil finally tried to open the conversation.  
  
“Uh, Dan, I think-”  
  
He was cut off by a sigh from Dan, followed by seemingly exhausted words.  
  
“Look, it’s not like I want to intrude on all the details of your story,” Dan clarified, feeling like he seems a bit fussy now. Why has he been so dramatic about it anyways? But no. He knows, somewhere in this, he’s been wronged and he deserves Phil explanation. He just didn’t expect *** to be present.  
  
“That’s good. But for the sake of your respect for the both of us… or at least your respect for Phil, I think we should just tell you a little,” *** replied as he looked straight into Dan who decided to give him a small nod as a reply. After being acknowledged, *** closed his hand into Phil’s and tapped it lightly. Phil nodded as if it was a secret code that only the two of them knew. Dan was a little irked but that seems to be his mood today.  
  
“Dan, remember when we got shamelessly wasted at this bar and Louise ended up bringing us home?” Phil started.  
  
Dan physically cringed at the thought. “Argh, I don’t really want to but yeah. How is that relevant?”  
  
“Well, Louise didn’t really go there with us so haven’t you wondered how she got there in the first place?”  
  
“I just assumed you called her. Or maybe I did. I was too wasted to remember.” He was. All he could remember were the blues playing in the background and the haze of lights he kept admiring. And then there was a slightly hazy Phil beside him and this really good and tempting feeling inside him. Tempting? Was he tempted to get even more drunk? Was that it?  
  
“I called her,” *** revealed, cutting his thought process. Dan turned to him with a questioning look. Phil continued to explain.  
  
“Louise was there for him. He was pretty drunk as well, so he carelessly called Louise. We just happened to be making a fool of ourselves at the same bar and they found us too drunk to be left alone so they luckily brought us home along.”  
  
Dan lowered his head in shame. “Wait, so you remembered this?” he asked.  
  
“He filled me in on what happened in the bar but I-” Phil blushed at the memory of throwing up at some dark alley and guzzling tons of water. “I had a little accident on the way home. I was still quite drunk when we got to the apartment, but not drunk enough to not remember what happened.” Dan waited for what he has to say next. “Yeah, so we got home, you were about to vomit, Louise accompanied you and then she guided you to bed after.” She would have asked *** but him and Phil were still wobbly themselves. “So, while she assisted you, *** and me found our way to the lounge and-” He looked at the man beside him for permission and got a nod. “-he started telling me about his problems and at the end of it he said he doesn’t want to go home and he didn’t want to go anywhere else. So, when Louise found us after leaving you in your room, I carelessly told her *** can stay over.” At first, Louise felt uncomfortable about the idea but the two just stood up and headed to Phil’s room. She tried giving sense to *** but they weren’t listening, no one was answering her calls, and she was pretty tired so she decided to go home and check on them the next day. She knew it was awkward but figured nothing bad would probably happen anyway. “We… slept in my room,” Phil added, blushing. *** ran his hand through his hair.  
  
Dan’s eyes widened as he realized what Phil was trying to say. This was followed by the image he witnessed the previous night. He’s not supposed to be surprised anymore. _But to think it was that sort of arrangement. ___  
  
“That’s what it is, Dan. Always pretty much the same. We’re not quite lovers,” Phil added. Dan looked at *** for validation and he thought he saw his expression darken a little for a second. When the other man faced him though, there was a small smile on his face, as if to confirm.  
  
“But you have someone, you’re-” Dan brought up the other thing that’s been really bothering him.  
  
“We haven’t told you about why I was drinking, have we?” *** pointedly asked Dan. It was his turn to explain.  
  
Dan just stared.  
  
“It’s not as good as it seems. Look, we weren’t lying. We really loved each other as much as we showed people. But even that can dwindle and as much as we like each other now, it’s not like that anymore. But what are we supposed to tell the viewers? We prefer to not have the drama that entails after telling the truth, especially knowing how invested these people are on the romance. We decided we can have this arrangement, agreeing that we still live together but… no more strings. Maybe keep up with the show of affection, it’s not like we hate each other.” *** looked at Dan and saw that his brows are now furrowed. “That night I was drinking because hiding was no easy business and paranoia just took a toll on me so we fought.” It was Phil’s turn to give the other man a comforting pat on the hand. No softness but rather a very solid and reassuring pat. As Dan watched this after hearing everything, he felt like he was intruding on something. He didn’t like it. But it’s his turn to speak. What can he tell them now?  
  
“I’m sorry that you had to reveal that. I appreciate everything you’ve told me,” Dan said. What he just heard reminded him of something he said some time ago about the complications of revealing too much about yourself to your audience, especially relationships. He faced *** and added, “Also, I know it’s not my business to interfere with your arrangement.” He really just meant to get a satisfying answer from Phil on why he wasn’t told this relevant thing and not intrude on the details of the two’s relationship. And although Phil already tried giving him that this morning, there really wasn’t anything he could say that will satisfy Dan and make him feel like less of an idiot. That was probably why he became so demanding. _That’s all it is. ___  
  
As he was talking, Dan took note of the space between the two men in front of him. _One I know so much more than the other ___. Phil’s hands were on his lap and ***’s hands were kept close to himself. He’ll just ask one more thing and then he’ll extract himself from this situation he shouldn’t have barged into in the first place.  
  
“Phil, you have your shit together right?”  
  
Phil smiled at him then answered, “As much as always, Dan.”  
  
_Well I just have to be satisfied with that then, don’t I? ___  
  
000  
  
Maybe if Dan wasn’t the drama queen that he was, he’d just sleep it off. But that’s not Dan. His fringe may be disappearing but that does not automatically mean it’s the same for his tendency to wallow on things. At the moment, Thom Yorke’s voice felt like the best company. He lay flat on his bed, headphones plugged in his ears and Radiohead’s Pyramid Song on loop. _Because why not? ___  
  
He plunged his consciousness into the waves of Thom’s wailing.  
  
_~Jumped in the river and what did I see_  
_Black-eyed angels swam with me_  
_A moon full of stars and astral cars_  
_All the figures I used to see~_  
  
Dan’s face was a flat line- expressionless and calm. He thought of 2009 Phil with the longer fringe and more spontaneous nature.  
  
_~All my lovers were there with me_  
_All my past and future_  
_And we all went to heaven in a little row boat_  
_There was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt~_  
  
And then there’s Phil now, still random and, he’ll reluctantly say so to himself, quite adorable but a little more restrained and a little less hair.  
  
_~I jumped into the river_  
_Black-eyed angels swam with me_  
_A moon full of stars and astral cars_  
_And all the figures I used to see~_  
  
This song doesn’t really suit what I’m thinking about right now. But the sound suits his mood. He thought of Phil from then to now and wondered about an entire side of the man he could’ve missed.  
  
_~All my lovers were there with me_  
_All my past and future~_  
  
Then there was the image of Phil through the slightly open bedroom door from last night.  
  
_~And we all went to heaven in a little row boat~_  
  
And then hazy Phil from the stupid night at the bar.  
  
_~There was nothing to fear, nothing to doubt…~_  
  
His face remained expressionless. After a few repetitions of the song, he fell asleep.


End file.
